The Call of Epione

You who face me in the night

seeking to know me

heed my words.

I am she who is the sacrifice for all

and all of the suffering of the world comes to me.

My touch brings gentle solace.

My kiss steals pain away. 

I am Epione, once queen of Epidauros.

Your people have forgotten me

but I am here still.

I was there at your birth

my hand upon your mother’s brow

as she made her sacrifice in pain to give life to another.

I was there when you first knew heartbreak and despair

and it was my love that helped you heal.

At your death, I will be beside you

my kiss to take away your worldly pains.

At every turn, I am there

to swallow your agony and drink your tears.

All self-sacrifice for the sake of others

belongs to me.

You who hear my call have been chosen

yet the path of compassion

of love and kindness without prejudice

without choice

 is not a gentle one.

Those who come with pale heart and trembling lips

my path will destroy. 

Your feet will be numb with weariness

but it will not be enough.

Your hands will ache, your heart break

but it will not be enough.

You will pledge to me a life of service

but it will not be enough.

You will be brought low, humbled and scorned

but it will not be enough.

Only when compassion is your breath and blood

will you know me.

Only when you weep for all

offering your worst enemy what you would give your brother

will you be my child.

Only when you bare your throat on the altar of healing

yourself the sacrifice that will soothe others

will you belong to me.

And then the work begins.

Servantspace

I think that in the past, I’ve seriously downplayed the role of headspaces in my mind. I just accepted that sometimes I got seriously depressed or moody or tearful after I left littlespace, and never noticed that it always happened after someone expressed disapproval, or something startled me in an unpleasant way. 

I knew that sometimes when I was cleaning and taking care of Ma’am I felt different. A kind of zen, a peaceful feeling when I can see the order in things, see how to make things make more sense, how to fix things, how to smooth out wrinkles and tidy and be efficient. I never thought of it as a headspace, but it is. Maybe servantspace. :p It’s a nice feeling – all the clutter and unnecessary overthinking that causes the world to be so confusing to me falls away. 

This is a particularly useful headspace, though the other side of the coin is that I’m not terribly useful when I’m not in it. I’m presently trying to find a way to put myself there, and hope that Ma’am will have some ideas as far as that goes. 

And then, of course, there’s subspace. I think that’s a stupid name. The name better fits what I’m calling servantspace, which bears absolutely no resemblance to what people call subspace. Personally, I think subspace would be better called bottomspace – because anyone who enjoys bottoming can find their way there, and not all or even most are submissive. In fact, submission has very little to do with it, though some people like to behave in submissive ways when they’re in it, I’m told. 

Littlespace is wonderfully fun, and subspace is too, but I think servantspace is my favorite. 

Physician, Heal Thyself

Every time I start a long car drive without radio, I wind up thinking. I am blind. I really am. I’ve been getting the same messages for over a month, and decided it meant something else every time. The Devil related to a temporary relationship problem, never mind that it is always a warning about something terrible and terribly important – the only card that can not be interpreted in any kind of positive way. Butterflies were another symbol of Hers, she was just revealing more of herself. The Queen of the Brilliant Dawn was just another title, another image of how she works. Again and again, tarot cards referring to change. 

The truth is that butterflies are an age-old symbol of transformation from bondage and stagnation to beauty and enlightenment, to new life. True, they probably do symbolize her pretty well, but somehow I doubt that was the message. The truth is that the dawn symbolizes a new day, new beginnings, after a period of pain, fear, and doubt. True, it probably does symbolize her, as it does symbolize pain making way for peace and comfort. But that doesn’t seem likely to be the reason it was given to me.

The truth is that the devil symbolizes bondage – but usually being bound by yourself, either by greed or fear. By being trapped and dominated by negativity and being unable to see a way out, or even see that you are bound. And that is all too true.

Last night I realized just how bad I have become, just how bad the state of my Self is. I saw it, and despaired, because I did not see any way out of this. Did not see how so much negativity could be rooted out. Now I’m beginning to see the solution. 

It all starts at the bottom – and it all starts with love. How can I be a comfort to others when I torment myself? How can I heal others when I cut at myself at every turn? How can I offer others love, if I have none for myself – for if I do not love myself, there is no love in my heart to give.

I have a dedication to healing, but if I don’t know why I’m doing it, it’s worthless. What do I fight for? Why do I heal? Out of duty? Obligation? No, that is not enough, and She herself told me, I was just too blind to see. I wrote the Call of Epione, with her guidance, but did not understand. 

You will pledge to me a life of service

But it will not be enough.

and later,

Only when compassion is your breath and blood

will you know me.

Only when you weep for all

offering your worst enemy what you would give your brother

will you be my child.

Only when you bare your throat on the altar of healing

yourself the sacrifice that will soothe others

will you belong to me.

And then the work begins.

I can never belong to her unless I heal out of love. My service to her is worthless unless it is done from compassion, from kindness and an understanding that we are all one. Unless I heal with only love in my heart, no matter who it is, I will never know my Goddess. She as good as told me what was wrong – in fact, she did tell me what was wrong. And she told me how to fix it – if I have the courage, the steadfastness, and the insight.

Somehow, I have to find a way to love myself. I have to find a way to open up my heart again and let in the light. I have to find a way to root out the negativity that riddles my mind, starting with the negativity towards myself. 

I have recognized that something was wrong, identified a possible solution. Now “all” I have to do is enact it, and figure out where I went wrong in the first place – because unless I figure out where I went wrong, I could so easily fall into that trap again. 

Physician, heal thyself.

The Wheel of Fortune

It’s a beautiful day! The Lady of the Brilliant Dawn has her hand over the world, her touch bringing light to the morning. There is work to be done, work worth doing, and the world is full of life. It’s on days like this when I really understand the Wheel of Fortune – the card that indicates an understanding of deeper truths, of seeing how life connects, of destiny.

Even though my time working, receiving a paycheck, living within the Inner Temple of my Goddess is limited, it’s beautiful while I have it, and it’s almost impossible not to live within the moment.

Life is good.

The Temple of the Lady of Mercy

Every day when I go to work, I exist within her temple. You see, there is this place inside of me, a headspace of pure peace, and deep, unquestioning compassion that simply does not see vices or flaws or inconveniences. In that space, I touch the perfection that is her love.

From that place I can understand her, the Caladrius, the sacred bird that steals our pain, her feathers turning black and her body heavy with agony, weak with sickness. She struggles to the sun, and is purified by its brilliance, by the brilliant light of dawn. She is perfect sacrifice, giving all and keeping nothing for herself – 

but in that sacrifice is perfect peace, perfect compassion.

I am but a human. I will never be able to give everything I have – because then I could not serve her. Still, what I strive for isn’t too terribly different, to be honest – and it is what she demands from me.

To live always within Her temple, the temple of Epione, the Lady of Mercy, Queen of the Brilliant Dawn, Soother of Pains. To look at people and see their pain, not their vices and race and color and beliefs. To see that pain, and want to take it away. To live in a state of perfect compassion. 

Only then can I be one with Her.