Every time I start a long car drive without radio, I wind up thinking. I am blind. I really am. I’ve been getting the same messages for over a month, and decided it meant something else every time. The Devil related to a temporary relationship problem, never mind that it is always a warning about something terrible and terribly important – the only card that can not be interpreted in any kind of positive way. Butterflies were another symbol of Hers, she was just revealing more of herself. The Queen of the Brilliant Dawn was just another title, another image of how she works. Again and again, tarot cards referring to change.
The truth is that butterflies are an age-old symbol of transformation from bondage and stagnation to beauty and enlightenment, to new life. True, they probably do symbolize her pretty well, but somehow I doubt that was the message. The truth is that the dawn symbolizes a new day, new beginnings, after a period of pain, fear, and doubt. True, it probably does symbolize her, as it does symbolize pain making way for peace and comfort. But that doesn’t seem likely to be the reason it was given to me.
The truth is that the devil symbolizes bondage – but usually being bound by yourself, either by greed or fear. By being trapped and dominated by negativity and being unable to see a way out, or even see that you are bound. And that is all too true.
Last night I realized just how bad I have become, just how bad the state of my Self is. I saw it, and despaired, because I did not see any way out of this. Did not see how so much negativity could be rooted out. Now I’m beginning to see the solution.
It all starts at the bottom – and it all starts with love. How can I be a comfort to others when I torment myself? How can I heal others when I cut at myself at every turn? How can I offer others love, if I have none for myself – for if I do not love myself, there is no love in my heart to give.
I have a dedication to healing, but if I don’t know why I’m doing it, it’s worthless. What do I fight for? Why do I heal? Out of duty? Obligation? No, that is not enough, and She herself told me, I was just too blind to see. I wrote the Call of Epione, with her guidance, but did not understand.
You will pledge to me a life of service
But it will not be enough.
Only when compassion is your breath and blood
will you know me.
Only when you weep for all
offering your worst enemy what you would give your brother
will you be my child.
Only when you bare your throat on the altar of healing
yourself the sacrifice that will soothe others
will you belong to me.
And then the work begins.
I can never belong to her unless I heal out of love. My service to her is worthless unless it is done from compassion, from kindness and an understanding that we are all one. Unless I heal with only love in my heart, no matter who it is, I will never know my Goddess. She as good as told me what was wrong – in fact, she did tell me what was wrong. And she told me how to fix it – if I have the courage, the steadfastness, and the insight.
Somehow, I have to find a way to love myself. I have to find a way to open up my heart again and let in the light. I have to find a way to root out the negativity that riddles my mind, starting with the negativity towards myself.
I have recognized that something was wrong, identified a possible solution. Now “all” I have to do is enact it, and figure out where I went wrong in the first place – because unless I figure out where I went wrong, I could so easily fall into that trap again.
Physician, heal thyself.